


Aunt Patty

by baloobird



Series: Our Favorite "Guy in the Chair" [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Peter Parker, Awesome Tracy Leeds, Biromantic Peter Parker, Bisexual Ned Leeds, Body Shaming, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff, Gen, Homophobia, Judgment, Light Angst, M/M, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Tracy Leeds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:14:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baloobird/pseuds/baloobird
Summary: One of Ned's judgmental relatives, his great Aunt Patty, is coming over for dinner so Ned has his boyfriend, Peter, stick around in the hopes that she won't ask him any embarrassing or offensive questions.Too bad that doesn't work.
Relationships: Ned Leeds & Ned Leed's Mother, Ned Leeds/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Ned Leed's Mother
Series: Our Favorite "Guy in the Chair" [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1469909
Comments: 38
Kudos: 434





	Aunt Patty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [canonismybitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canonismybitch/gifts).



> So this is loosely based on some first-hand experience (being overweight around judgmental relatives is something that I would never wish on anybody). I wish I had a Peter in those situations 🙃
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!! I gotta admit, this was a fun one to write 💜
> 
> **Trigger Warning**: talks of body shaming and light bouts of homophobia but nothing too bad.
> 
> Montse, my twin, I'm gifting this to you 'cuz us screaming about this is what got me to finish it, I WUV YOU!!! 💜💜💜

A chill Friday afternoon.

That is all that’s on Ned’s mind as he and his boyfriend, Peter, play yet another round of Mario Kart. The dark-haired teen is sitting on his bed with his legs crossed while the hero is lying next to him on his stomach.

It has only been about a month since the two best friends made the decision to take their relationship to the next level and call each other “boyfriends.” Ned thought that this was going to be a weird transition, and it was a little bit, starting out.

But after the first few days, it was like nothing ever changed. They still do the same things they did when they were just friends but now they can kiss and hold hands and honestly, what is better than that?

_ Absolutely nothing.  _

No one knows about them making things official as of yet and they haven’t made any plans to tell them anytime soon.

Not that they’re ashamed, they’re actually quite the opposite. The boys know their guardians would be happy for them and if anyone at school gives them grief, then fuck them - which Peter said with pun absolutely intended.

In short, they just want to relish in this for a little while longer. Right now, the relationship is just  _ theirs _ and something about no one else knowing makes it all the more special.

“Dude,” Ned starts, “You picked black Yoshi, the most purple car they have, and white clouds as the glider.” He looks down at his boyfriend with a look of amusement, “You trying to push the ‘ace agenda’ or something?”

“I just wanted to kick your ass with something that matches my aesthetic,” Peter retorts. He then lets out a snort as he looks up at the other teen, “Heh, ‘ace-thetic’ -”

“You’re a dork.”

“But I’m  _ your _ dork,” the spiderling playfully nudges his boyfriend as he confirms his picks for his character, taking them to the screen with the racetrack choices.

Ned shakes his head, letting a grin escape him, “You ain’t wrong.” He puts his focus back to the TV, seeing that the other boy already made a selection, and then the start of the track pops up, he rolls his eyes, “You  _ always _ pick the Animal Crossing one, every time we play -”

“It changes seasons every time you play, what’s better than that,  _ nothing. _ And we get to see all the cute villagers, they calm me,” Peter says defensively, “And don’t act like you don’t like this track, it’s physically  _ impossible _ to not like this track. And look,  _ ‘Neddy-bye’ _ -”

“Don’t  _ ever _ call me that -”

“It’s snowing, I got us the  _ best _ season,” Peter finishes with a smug grin, “Time to kick your ass.”

“You’re dreaming.”

They take off in a race of friendly competition, dodging banana peels, hitting each other with red and green shells. They’re practically neck-in-neck during the last lap with Ned just squeaking by the finish line, his racer, Toad, doing an adorable happy dance while on the motorcycle.

_ “Oh,” _ Ned starts, stretching his arms and shoulders in victory, “I thought you said  _ you _ were gonna kick  _ my _ ass -”

“Fuck Donkey Kong and that fucking red shell, I  _ had _ you -”

“Until ya didn’t. You were just distracted by the snow, don’t lie.”

“Shut up,” Peter responds with a snort and a light push against his boyfriend, knowing he lost the argument, “Wanna pick the next track?”

Before Ned can respond, he hears a knock at his open bedroom doorway, and his mother, Tracy, peeks her head into the room, “You guys decent?” she asks jokingly.

“No, we’re naked with the door open,” her son quips with a chuckle.

Peter chimes in, “We have no shame.”

_ “Hardy har har,” _ Tracy replies sarcastically, leaning against the doorway. Her face then falls barely a second later, worrying her kid.

_ Did somebody die or something? _

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

The woman groans, “Nothing’s wrong, just some plans have changed.”

“What plans?”

“Well,” Tracy crosses her arms and with a sigh, she finally spits out, “Aunt Patty’s coming over for dinner.”

Ned has absolutely no control for the loud groan that escapes him, tilting his head back in utmost despair, “When?”

“Tonight,” his mom says, wincing.

_ “Tonight?! _ Why, why the short notice?”

“Who’s Aunt Patty?” the spiderling asks, but neither Leeds hears the question.

“Because Aunt Patty is a 75-year-old woman who doesn’t think to give any notice,” Tracy answers, still focused on her son, “Be lucky she at least called.”

“But why -” Ned starts, but his mother cuts him off.

“Ned, she comes over once a year to see us -”

“And that’s still too much.”

_ “Edward -” _

“Mom, you’re thinking it too, don’t lie.”

Tracy purses her lips, trying and failing not to smile, “I’m supposed to be setting a good example for you, damn it.”

“But you also say ‘honesty is the best policy’ so…” her son gives her a smug smile as he trails off, making the woman playfully roll her eyes.

“You’re using my words against me,” Tracy says firmly but Ned sees a smile that’s begging to branch out, “Parenting’s a scam.”

“And now you’re stuck with me, tsk tsk tsk,” the teen responds with a shake of his head, making his boyfriend chuckle.

“So, just like all the other times before,” the older Leeds starts, “Smile and nod, don’t take anything to heart, just look like you agree with everything she says and she’ll be outta here sooner rather than later.”

Ned nods his head, another groan escaping him, “Yep.”

“Who’s Aunt Patty?” Peter repeats the question, looking at his boyfriend with a slightly worried expression.

With a sigh, the other teen answers, turning towards him, “She’s my great aunt, remember the aunt I complain about all the time? About how she always asks these questions about what I’m doing with my life and whether or not I’m just ‘wasting’ it?”

It takes a couple of seconds but the spider-boy’s eyebrows soon raise to his hairline as it clicks, “Oh,  _ that _ Aunt Patty.”

“Yep. As you can see, we  _ really _ look forward to seeing her.”

“Definitely,” Peter responds with a grunt. He then turns to Tracy, sitting up and crossing his own legs, “If you have company coming over, I can leave -”

_ “No!” _ Ned shouts, cutting him off. He turns to his mom, “Mom,  _ please _ can he stay? He hasn’t stayed over in forever.”

“Of course, Peter, you can stay,” Tracy says with a warm smile, “Honestly, having an extra person around might do us some good. I’ll let you know when she gets here, okay?”

Both boys nod their heads, with Ned saying, “Thanks, Mom” as the woman in question leaves them be.

“Is she really that bad?” Peter asks, now directly facing his boyfriend.

“I -” the sidekick cuts himself off with a groan, copying the other’s position, “We’re probably overexaggerating but she’s not the most fun person to be around. She’s just very…opinionated, and uh, set in her ways, I guess. Like she really wants Mom to get married again to have a ‘man in the house’, and always wants me to have a girlfriend ‘cuz that means I’ll totes get married and have kids someday.” 

“Dude, you’re sixteen -”

“That’s why she’s telling me  _ now,” _ Ned says with a snort, “So it’ll be ingrained in my head and it’ll stay with me  _ all _ throughout college.”

His boyfriend can’t help but laugh, “Sounds to me like she lives in ‘la-la land.’”

“Honestly though, she just never left the 1950s, really.” The dark-haired teen laughs along before his expression falls, “But I do wanna warn you: I can bet Mom’s next paycheck that Aunt Patty’s gonna make at least one comment about my weight.”

“What?” Peter asks lowly, eyes widening in offense, “What the fuck, that’s rude as shit -”

“She  _ is _ rude as shit. She’s convinced that I won’t find a wife unless I lose weight.”

“You’re just a kid, who says that?”

“She does, I can’t count how many times her and her five  _ million _ siblings have told me that over the years.”

“Dude -”

“But hey, joke’s on them,” Ned concludes with a smile, scooting closer to his boyfriend and making their knees touch, “I found someone without having to change anything.”

“And you don’t ever have to.” The hero smiles back, leaning his face forward and giving the other a light kiss on the lips, recoiling after barely a second, “Unless you want to. Like, uh, if ya-if ya  _ want _ to lose weight or do something else or-or whatever you want, you totally should but you’re wonderful and you don’t  _ have _ to do anything -”

The other teenager cuts him off with a kiss of his own, this one passionate, heartfelt.

So naturally, Peter kisses back, the two of them getting lost into the intimacy for a few seconds before they separate, giving each other lazy smiles.

“You’re the best,” Ned says, “Sorry I kinda made you stay, if you wanna go, you can -”

“No way, I came over here to be with  _ you. _ This thing with your aunt will last no time.”

Ned releases yet another groan, “I hope so. Just promise me that whatever she says, don’t take it to heart.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise. I’ll just bite the inside of my mouth really,  _ really _ hard.”

“I think all three of us are gonna be doing that.”

The two of them start chuckling again as Ned leans his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder, already exhausted and his great aunt isn’t even here yet, “Also…us, this thing we got going on, she uh, she doesn’t like that either. Y’know, 1950s and all that.”

“Figured as much. Good thing no one knows about us yet.”

“Yeah, true.” The sidekick sighs, keeping his head on the other’s shoulder, “Where’s the DeLorean when you need it?”

“The biggest of moods.”

-

There are only two things going in Ned’s favor that evening at dinner.

For one, his mom surprised him and made his favorite dish, fettuccini alfredo.

And of course, Peter is here.

Wonderful, amazing Peter is here  _ voluntarily _ so his boyfriend won’t feel too uncomfortable.

_ What did I do to deserve him? _

The dinner setup is simple with the four of them at the small dining room table. The two older Leeds are at each end and the teenagers are across from each other on either side.

No one is dressed up by any means since this is a casual affair but no one is in pajamas either, with Ned wearing the baggiest collared shirt he owns, one that’s a boring solid color of navy blue.

The bigger the shirt, the slimmer he looks…and the less likely that the topic will be brought up. 

His mom and boyfriend are in similar attire, both just wearing what they wore to work and school today respectively. Aunt Patricia Leeds is in a black and white striped shirt and white pants but everyone can tell instantly that it’s expensive material.

Okay, they actually can’t but it’s hard not to assume judging from the gold watch, necklace, and earrings she’s also sporting.

The dinner is going well so far, which isn’t a surprise to the Leeds, all things considered.

Tracy’s aunt is nice to a certain extent: she has a warm smile, jovial, her mind is still sharp as a tack, and can carry on a decent conversation.

Until she gets nosy.

“So Tracy, dearie,” Patty starts, looking up from her half-full pasta bowl, “How’s David these days?”

_ Good Lord. _

The other two family members share a brief knowing look before Tracy turns back to her aunt, “Uh, good I guess, him and his new wife seem to be doing fine. Of course, we haven’t talked much since the divorce.”

_ Which was four fucking years ago. _

“Such a shame,” Patty says disappointingly, “That’s what happens when you let the good ones get away.”

Peter’s head snaps up, giving a confused look to the other two Leeds, but both are just looking at her with bored expressions. Ned returns his boyfriend’s look with a raised eyebrow in the hopes to tell him that this is normal.

_ Unfortunately. _

“Well, Aunt Patty,” Tracy starts, voice clipped as she plasters on a smile that her kid can see is anything but genuine, “I have said this for years now, I didn’t  _ let _ him get away, he did that  _ all on his own. _ His only redeeming qualities are his recurring child support payments and the fact that he does still see his son every once in a while.”

Patty turns to her nephew, “That’s wonderful, sweetie,” she says as she lightly taps the boy’s right hand on her left, making Ned’s perfectly rolled bite of pasta fall off his fork, “That you still have a father in your life to look up to.”

_ Oh, hell no. _

The youngest Leeds sees Peter’s even more confused look out of the corner of his eye but he keeps his focus on his great aunt, setting down his fork and briefly clenching his fist to keep his growing anger in check, “Do you not remember what happened?”

“Ned -” Tracy starts but he cuts her off, gaze still on his aunt. No way is he letting this hag put his dad up on a pedestal.

“Dad cheated on Mom with some lady down the street and you’re telling me I should  _ still _ look up to him?” Ned says, almost in a snap but he holds back. He can damn near feel smoke flowing out of his ears like a cartoon character and the boy finds himself having to grip onto his thigh as he continues, “Look, he’s my dad and I love him but he’s not my favorite person either.”

He feels a soft tap on one of his socked feet and with a subtle glance under the table, he sees it’s from another socked foot that belongs to his boyfriend.

Ned looks up and sees Peter giving him a sympathetic expression followed by a reassuring half-smile, making the other boy return with one of his own.

Peter was there when his family went to shit. They were only twelve at the time but Ned remembers everything as if it happened yesterday: his parents telling him they don’t love each other anymore, getting a divorce, talks of custody, moving, changing their name from Locklear to Tracy’s maiden name, Leeds. 

And his best friend was there as a shoulder to cry on.

The whole situation was a clusterfuck that Ned would never wish on anyone, especially a kid as young as he was. He didn’t even know the real reason why his parents broke things off until about a month later when he overheard his mom crying into his grandma’s shoulder about the affair.

As much as Ned wants to hate his dad, he can’t work up the energy. He still gets a tad excited to see him and they always have fun catching up while grabbing a bite to eat or a cup of coffee.

But both of them know things will never be the same. Ned will always side with his mom and his dad would be an absolute  _ idiot _ to try and change that.

The teenager feels a soft grip in his left hand followed by a tender squeeze. He doesn’t even need to look at her to know that touch is from his mother.

Tracy squeezes again to get his attention and when the boy looks up she gives him a prideful smile, “Your dad has his flaws, no doubt, but he’s not a total bad guy either.” She then turns to her aunt, “Ned likes hanging out with his dad, can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Of course, dearie.” Again, Patty lightly taps her great nephew’s other hand, seeming not at all fazed with the conversation they just had. 

_ ‘Cuz it’s Aunt Patty’s world and we’re just living in it. _

“Well, Tracy,” the older woman starts and it takes everything in Ned not to groan, “If David’s out of the picture for good, is there  _ anyone _ new in your life? Maybe a tall, dark, handsome man from the office?” she asks, giving her niece a cheeky smirk.

_ Here we go. _

Tracy gives her aunt an unamused expression - this is definitely isn’t her first rodeo - and drops her fork a bit too forcefully, making the clanking sound echo through the house. Both kids have to bite the inside of their lips to keep from laughing.

“There is no one at the office, Aunt Patty. Since I’m sales manager, it’s frowned upon to date my subordinates anyway.” The younger woman then says, “Just because David got remarried, it doesn’t mean  _ I _ have to too.”

“Oh, I know that, sweetie, but don’t sell yourself short like that. The right guy could come along tomorrow for all you know.”

“Well, if he comes by on a white horse with a bouquet of red roses, I’ll  _ think _ about it, how ‘bout that?” The boys do all they can to keep from laughing once again while tapping each other’s feet under the table. They keep their attention on their food as the saleswoman continues, “Aunt Patty, bottom line: I’m happy, as I’ve said for years now. I have  _ two _ little men in my life already,” she gestures to the two teens, “There’s no void for another man to fill.”

“Suit yourself,” Patricia says with a shrug, “Just don’t come crying to me when you’re old and gray and alone.”

_ She won’t ‘cuz you’ll literally be dead. _

“She won’t be alone,” Ned says smugly, “I still like her somewhat,” he adds on in light sarcasm, making his mom snort into her fettuccini.

“You’re a doll, ‘Neddy-Bear’,” the oldest Leeds says with another light pat on her great nephew’s hand, making said teen’s cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

Peter gives his boyfriend a look of utmost amusement, grinning at him while he eats the last of his pasta, making Ned kick his leg as a silent way to tell him,  _ “Shut up.” _

The matriarch then turns her attention to the spiderling, “So, Peter is it?”

Ned sees his boyfriend suddenly freeze as he sits straight up in his seat, his cheery expression falling instantly as anxiety sets in. The youngest Leeds softly taps the other’s foot in encouragement.

“Um, y-yes, Mrs. Leeds,” the young hero forces out, keeping himself busy by getting another helping of pasta. It’s a good thing Tracy knows he’s Spider-Man since she made enough food to look like she’s saving some for leftovers but no Tupperware will be dirty tonight.

“Do you go to the same school as Ned here?”

“Um, yes, we’re, uh, we’re about in all the same classes and we’re on the academic decathlon team.”

“Ooh, another smarty-pants, huh?” Patty asks with a smile.

_ I really hope Peter doesn’t regret staying. _

“Uh, well I-I-I don’t know -”

“Peter, don’t be so modest,” Tracy cuts in with a light pat on his arm before turning back to her aunt, “He’s  _ the _ Tony Stark’s personal intern if that tells you anything.”

“Really?” Patty turns to said teen, eyes bugging out in surprise, “How’d you get that?”

“Uh,” Peter starts, eyes slowly widening in fear, glancing at the other two Leeds who are sporting similar expressions, “Um, I just uh, got lucky, I guess. I applied at the right time and I got in, I’m still floored by it, to be honest.”

“Well that’s just great, I bet your mom is mighty proud of you.”

It breaks Ned’s heart to see his boyfriend’s demeanor fall. He wishes he can do more but for now, he just softly rests his foot atop the other’s. 

The spiderling looks up and gives his boyfriend a thankful smile before turning to the older woman, “My mom is no longer with us, but my aunt, she-she’s proud, yeah.” 

“Aw, I’m sorry about your mom. Neddie-dear,” she turns to the boy in question, “Did you also apply, why didn’t you get in? Were you just not good enough?”

_ Ah, let the judging commence. _

Ned smiles with his mouth closed, showing his loved ones that he doesn’t mean it and he’s _so_ _done_ with this damn dinner already, “I was going to apply but by the time I remembered, it was too late, but I’m glad Peter got in, though, that’s awesome.”

“And he is  _ absolutely _ good enough, Aunt Patty,” Tracy says, trying to keep the offense out of her voice, “He’s doing excellent in school, all ‘A’s’ in everything.”

_ “And,” _ Peter adds on, grinning ear to ear, “His question won us Nationals in Academic Decathlon.”

_ “Guuuuuys,” _ Ned says, a warmth filtering through him, “You don’t have to.”

_ But please keep going. _

“You’re my kid, I’m supposed to brag about you,” his mother says, her grin matching his boyfriend’s.

“And you’re my boy-best friend, so the same rules apply,” Peter adds on, giving the teen another soft tap of his foot.

“Oh, well in that case, that’s really good, dearie, I’m proud of you,” Patricia responds, giving her nephew a smile.

_ For once. _

“So, Peter,” she starts, turning back to the other guest, “You are just as cute as you can be, I bet you’re a ‘ladies man’, huh? Girls must be fawning over you left and right.”

Peter drops his fork in surprise, looking at his partner across from him and giving him a look that screams  _ “Save me” _ but all Ned can do is give one in return.

“Um…not, uh, not really -”

“Oh nonsense, don’t you have a girlfriend?”

_ Peter, I am so sorry. _

_ You are now under the wrath of Aunt Patty’s judgment. _

_ I feel  _ so _ bad for making him stay. _

“Patty,” Tracy says, “That’s a bit personal -”

“That’s okay, Ms. Leeds,” the hero says, cutting her off. Unexpectedly, he lets out a snort as he grabs another helping of food, “Um, no, I’m not really interested in a,” he playfully smirks at Ned as he concludes, “A  _ girlfriend.” _

The other teen tightly grips onto the table to hold back his laughter, forcing himself to take deep breaths, even covering his mouth to keep from drawing attention to himself. He feels another tap of his foot and he immediately returns it with one of his own.

“The right one will come along, sweetie, I know it,” Patty states, twirling another bite of pasta around her fork.

“Oh,” Peter starts, still smirking at his boyfriend and giving him more foot taps, “I know.”

Once Ned finally calms down, he moves the serving dish closer to him so he can get another plate of pasta when his aunt stops him, “Ned, do you really think you should be getting another plate? You’ve had a lot of food already.”

The teen can’t help but start to get self-conscious.

_ She didn’t say a damn word when Peter got his  _ third _ plate of food. _

“Um,” Ned says, pushing the dish away from him, “Sorry -”

“No, Ned,” his mom starts, pushing the dish back to him, “If you’re still hungry, eat, I made plenty.” She then turns to the older Leeds, “It’s his house, if he wants to eat, let him eat.”

“Yes, but Tracy, dear, you have to think about him as well, all this food isn’t good for him.”

_ It’s literally one plate, and there wasn’t even that much on it. _

_ If I was skinny, this wouldn’t be a problem. _

Ned sighs silently, pushing back the dish, “Um, yeah, that’s okay, I’m done.”

Peter’s eyebrows narrow in concern, “Ned -”

“It’s fine, honestly.”

_ I’ve lost my appetite anyway. _

_ Look at that, Aunt Patty  _ is _ helping me lose weight. _

“Ned, are you sure?” Tracy asks, her look mimicking Peter’s.

“Yeah, I’m sure, uh, thanks, Mom.”

“I’m done too,” Peter announces, pushing away his half-eaten plate of food.

“Peter -” Ned says but his boyfriend cuts him off.

“It’s all good, I’m full anyway.” The genius then gives the other a look that Ned can clearly comprehend as “If you can’t eat, I’m not eating either.” 

“Thank you, Ms. Leeds, it was delicious,” Peter says, turning to the saleswoman.

“Of course, sweetie,” Tracy says with a smile, “I’m glad you could stay with us.”

“Same.”

_ You and me both. _

“Speaking of, Ned,” Patty says, finishing up the last of her food, “How are things going with the weight loss?”

_ For fuck’s sake. _

_ I thought Peter being here would mean she wouldn’t ask these questions. _

_ Can I go yeet myself out the window, just put me outta my misery. _

Peter comes to his boyfriend’s defense this time, eyes squinting at the older woman, “Isn’t that a personal question? I don’t think Ned just wants to announce that kinda information.”

_ God bless him. _

“Well, you don’t need to say much, I’m just curious,” Patty says, keeping her gaze on her great nephew, “You were doing so well last time we saw each other, I just don’t want you gaining it all back.”

_ Kill me, kill me right now, right fucking now, can lightning strike through the house or something? _

_ “Patty,” _ Tracy says firmly, “I don’t think this kind of conversation is appropriate for the dinner table. You know this is a sensitive subject for him -”

“You know this isn’t good for him, Tracy. You, as his mother, need to be helping him out with this and taking it seriously -”

“I’m also a big believer in him being a  _ kid, _ a sixteen-year-old kid who’s biggest worry should be about an upcoming test or if a girl in his science class likes him or not.”

Ned gives the fellow teen a smirk.

_ I mean, she’s close…he  _ is _ in all my science classes. _

The younger woman continues, “He eats his fruits and vegetables and he exercises in P.E. Patty, I don’t wanna put him on some crazy diet where he’s just gonna be left miserable.”

_ Mom, have I told you lately how much I love you? _

Patricia sighs, pushing her own plate out of her way so she can fold her arms onto the table, “Eating in moderation isn’t going to make him lose weight any faster -”

The hero cuts her off, to his boyfriend’s surprise, “Who says it’s gotta be a race?” He gives the other boy a confused look before turning back to his aunt, “What’s he gotta be in such a hurry for?”

_ Also, that’s literally how you lose weight, what the fuck? _

_ Heh,  _ someone’s _ not as smart as they think they are. _

“Thanks, man,” Ned replies, turning to the older woman, “Things have been the same in that regard, but  _ I’ve _ been  _ good, _ thanks for asking.”

_ Even though you obviously didn’t ask. _

He sees his mom purse her lips to fight back a snort so that lets him know his snark was a success. He feels his foot being soothed by another and he takes solace in the comfort.

_ The only good thing about this embarrassment of a night. _

_ Well, that and the alfredo. _

_ Which I’m so getting more of the second she leaves. _

Tracy then gets up and grabs everyone’s plates, setting them on top of the serving dish so she can take everything to the kitchen in one trip, “Aunt Patty, you want coffee or anything?”

“No, dearie, thank you.”

_ That means she’s leaving soon, thank FUCK. _

While the younger woman is in the kitchen, Patty turns back to her great nephew, “It’s just, I’m just concerned about you, that’s all.”

_ Okay seriously, what the fuck? _

“What do you have to be concerned about?” Ned asks, raising an eyebrow, “I’m doing well in school, I’m in after-school activities, I have Peter and Mom, and even Dad when I see him. Aunt Patty, I’m  _ happy.” _

_ Because my happiness won’t be determined by my weight, damn it. _

“And that’s wonderful, sweetie, it really is.”

The teenagers give each other unamused looks, Peter even picking up on the fakeness of it all.

He then gives the dark-haired kid a smile, turning to the matriarch, “Yeah, it is, Ned’s a great friend.” He keeps his gaze on his boyfriend as he says, “Best friend anyone could have.”

That warm fuzzy feeling flows through Ned just like it did earlier. He gives another rub but this time it’s on the side of his boyfriend’s foot, the shared body heat offering him a small sense of security.

Patricia then says, ruining the boys’ moment,  _ “Aw, _ you’re such a sweetheart, Ned is lucky to have a friend like you -”

“I’m the lucky one,” Peter counters, his gaze still on his boyfriend.

Ned looks back, a grin slowly etching across his face. He wants nothing more than for her to leave so they can have the rest of the night to themselves, to just  _ be _ together without anyone ruining it.

Like a certain lady sitting next to them.

The youngest Leeds is still looking at the hero as his aunt says, “But that being said, Neddy-bear,” the boy’s face falls at that humiliating nickname.

He hated it when he was seven and he hates it now.

Patty continues, “You’re such a sweet boy.”

_ Wait, what? She’s actually  _ complimenting _ me? _

“And so smart and kind,” the older woman goes on.

_ Oh wait, there’s a ‘but’, I feel a ‘but’ coming. _

“But if you were just to lose even a few pounds,” it takes everything in Ned not to groan at her words, even his own boyfriend’s face is falling. Patricia then says, “You will have girls lining up outside your door, they’ll be bending over backwards just to get to you.”

_ Wow. _

_ Okay then…fuck you. _

Ned then starts to laugh, but not in a way that shows the situation is funny but instead, it borders on hysterical.

As in  _ he can’t believe that just came out of this woman’s mouth. _

“Hear that, Peter?” he says,  _ “Lining up.” _

_ I’m sorry if my standards are higher than girls stalking me but go off, I guess. _

_ Also, if she thinks I’m gonna lose weight for anyone that’s not myself, she is sooo much dumber than I thought. _

Peter then pipes up, his face looking a special kind of angry that he doesn’t see very often, “You’re kidding me, right?”

“Peter -”

“No,” the spider-boy glances at the other teen, “I’m in this now.” He then turns back to the other Leeds, “The only reason Ned should ever want to lose weight is for his  _ health, _ not for someone he’s never met.”

_ Did he just read my mind or something? _

“Do you have any idea how unhealthy that is?” The hero goes on, “If he’s not happy with himself, then how’s he gonna be happy when he’s with someone? He literally just told you he’s happy, as he is, why can’t you just accept that and move on?”

_ I love you. _

Patty sighs as she pats Peter’s hand, “I don’t expect you to understand -”

“You’re right, I don’t but you’re not overweight so you don’t understand either.” The spiderling snatches his hand from her touch, resting it on his lap under the table, “Why are you so obsessed with his weight anyway?”

“I’m not ‘obsessed’ like you kids constantly say, I’m just concerned is all,” Patty states, “If he has any hope of getting married someday, he needs to lose a few pounds. That’s just life, people who are overweight don’t typically ever get married -”

“Dad did, twice actually,” Ned counters, his own anger growing, “Mom loved him up until the divorce, never wanted to change him or anything. And even then, Aunt Patty, he  _ had an affair. _ As rotten as that is, obviously that woman didn’t see him for his weight either. If Dad can find someone, why can’t I?”

_ And I already did. _

“There’s always exceptions. Your mom is such a loving and caring soul, it only makes sense that she didn’t care about that.”

_ ‘Cuz she saw Dad for who he was at the time, not just for his weight. _

_ Yeah, Mom’s great, but why is Aunt Patty praising her for something  _ everyone _ should do? _

_ Like what Peter’s doing right now. _

“Dating someone who’s overweight shouldn’t be seen as an exception,” Peter declares, his gaze going to the other boy, “If this were a perfect world, looks wouldn’t be the focus at all. Ned could be dating the prettiest girl in school but if she’s mean to him, he’s gonna end it.” He then mutters to where only Ned can hear, “Or I’ll end it for him.” 

_ I mean I’m dating the prettiest  _ boy _ in school. _

Peter then concludes, “So looks don’t mean shi-anything if you really think about it.” He gives his boyfriend a cheeky look, “Ned can absolutely find someone, without needing to change a damn thing.”

The older woman responds with a simple hum, “So young and so innocent. It all sounds great on paper but the real world is much,  _ much _ more cruel.”

_ So everyone’s like you, huh? _

Peter releases a deep sigh, keeping his anger in check, “I know Ned can find someone…because he already has.”

_ Wait, what?! _

“Peter -”

“Is this okay?” Peter asks, looking at him directly in his eyes, his gaze asking him that same question.

Giving his boyfriend the option to let him go forward or have him come up with an out.

Ned is utterly speechless, his brain is short-circuiting and he has no idea how to even form words.

_ Words. _

_ What are words again? _

He hasn’t thought much about how he and Peter were going to come out as a couple, but doing so in front of the most judgmental person in his family was the last idea on the list.

And it’s so fucking perfect.

Ned hastily nods his head, his grin slowly spreading ear to ear. He’s tempted to call his mom into the room but he fears that would ruin the moment.

Peter mimics his boyfriend and grins as well, the two of them barely hearing Aunt Patty say, “Oh,  _ really? _ Ned, why didn’t you say anything before, what’s her name -”

“It’s me,” the spiderling cuts her off, giving her a smug expression, “It’s me, we’ve been together for a little over a month now, right, Ned?” He looks back over at the other teen with a grin.

“Yeah,” Ned responds serenely, propping his elbow onto the table and resting his cheek against his fist, admiring the awesomeness that is his boyfriend.

Patty looks back and forth between them as if she’s watching a tennis match, trying to make sense of this bombshell, “What? I’m so confused -”

“He’s my boyfriend, Aunt Patty,” Ned states, also looking smug, “There is no girl because it’s been a  _ boy _ this whole time.”

A voice that is not Patty speaks up in utter shock,  _ “Wait, what?!” _

Tracy pops her head into the room, “Did I just hear what I think I just heard?”

“Yup,” her son replies, still looking smug as he pops the ‘p’, “Peter and I are…together, like  _ together _ together.”

Peter confirms with an excited nod as the other Leeds walks into the room, her widened eyes not shrinking anytime soon, “And you  _ didn’t _ tell me?”

The spiderling says, “We wanted to take it slow first, see if this is gonna be a legit thing, y’know?”

“And it most definitely is,” Ned adds on, his grin practically glued to his face at this point.

Tracy stutters as she takes all of this in, “Well shit, congrats, you guys.” She walks over to her son and starts ruffling his hair, making him sigh in content.

Patty still doesn’t get it, “I’m still so confused -”

“Of course you are,” her niece says, unamused, “Just be happy for him.”

“And I also wanna say just one teeny tiny thing,” Peter starts, still smug, “His weight doesn’t mean shit to me.” His expression then turns into a smirk at hearing the older woman gasp at his curse.

“Well, um,” Tracy starts, still in shock, “Uh, I think we have ice cream, or-or something -” she cuts herself off as she rushes back into the kitchen, looking for some way to celebrate.

“Well,” Patty starts, pursing her lips, “It’s getting late, I should go.”

“Oh,  _ that’s too bad,” _ Ned says, voice dripping with sarcasm but his great aunt doesn’t catch it, “We’ll walk you out -”

“No-no, no that is okay -”

“We really don’t mind,” Peter says while holding back a laugh, getting out of his seat and offering his hand to help her up but she doesn’t take it.

“That is really okay,” Patty says, making her way towards the kitchen to leave, “I know where the door is -”

“But can you imagine what Mom would say if I didn’t escort a lady out?” Ned asks, “She’d kick me out the window.”

“Trust me, Ned, I’ll cover for you.”

_ Oh, no “Neddy-bear”? Or “Neddy-dear”? _

_ Wow, such a shame. _

The boys beat her to the front door since she stopped to say goodbye to Tracy. Ned hurriedly whispers to the other teen, “Do you trust me?”

“Always. Why, what’s up?”

“Just trust me.”

The second Patty turns the corner to walk into the foyer, Ned plants a kiss onto his boyfriend, trying not to laugh at hearing the disgusted gasp from the oldest Leeds. It lasts for a few seconds before he separates them, Peter giving him a dazed look that shows that he  _ very much _ enjoyed that.

Ned then says, “I’ve been wanting to do that all night.”

“Meeeee too.” Peter goes in for another kiss but he’s pushed aside by the hilariously grossed out woman. All three family members watch her hurriedly get in her car and back out of the driveway so fast that she almost hit an oncoming car.

She’s not even out of sight before they all start laughing.

“Hey,” Ned starts, “Maybe she’s so grossed out that she won’t wanna come visit anymore.”

“Oh, that will just be  _ heartbreaking,” _ his mom says sarcastically, “Anyway, so no ice cream but I do have chips and salsa…we’ll have a ‘fiesta’.”

“Mom, you don’t have to go through all this trouble for us, we’re chill.”

“Oh, I’m not, ‘cuz chips and salsa is really all we have. I’m in dire need of the grocery store but too lazy to go.”

Once Tracy’s back is turned to go back to the kitchen, Peter surprises his boyfriend with another kiss and Ned immediately reciprocates, deepening the kiss, putting everything about this  _ eventful _ night to the furthermost part of his brain.

The spiderling says when they let go, “I’m glad we did this. This is gonna be a hell of a story to tell May and Mr. Stark.”

His boyfriend snorts out a laugh, “We could make a book outta this, to be honest.” Ned then goes in for another kiss, the two of them getting lost in it without a single care in the world.

Well, except one.

“Oh,  _ get a room, _ you two.”

_ “Mooooom.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I'm also on Tumblr @baloobird


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